Jokes

Anyone heard any good ones lately?

A couple good ones i have heard:

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before sex could help him last longer. So he decided to try it.

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office, so he thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured he might get mugged.

Finally, he was inspired. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and said, “What?”

He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on here?”

The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

“Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.”

Two police women are out on foot patrol with their alsatian dog. One says " I'm getting a bit cold and I've left my thermal knickers back at the station." The other one says " Use the dog, give him a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them for you". So she lets the dog have a sniff and he runs off back to the station. Two hrs later he returns with a truncheon, a plastic baton, a baseball bat and 3 of the Sergeants fingers.

What do you call an idiot in suspence....

...I'll tell you tomorrow

What did the penis say to the condom....







....let's get shit faced!